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1Back to top Go down    Burglar-proof your home on Wed Sep 05, 2012 11:31 am

Two Wheels Better

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We have the standard 2 metre-high fence in the backyard and a few months
ago I'd heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the district.
To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a
single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest
cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 42 kilometres of fence. I
then used an 2.5 metre long earthing rod, and drove it 2 metres into the
ground. The earthing rod is the key, with the more you have in the
ground, the better the fence works.




One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Chinese 6 hp big wheel push
mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a
fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire
and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.




It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.




Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and
the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Mind you, the charger
is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside
down cow on fire on the cover.




Time stood still.




The first thing I notice is my 'manhood' trying to climb up the front side
of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower
ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs
& Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was
literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger
and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my
electrical impulses.




Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ.
Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different
times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel
movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and
BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were
minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like
exhaust pulses from a big block V8 turning 8 grand.




At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the
fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let
go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad
always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever
that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let
go of. The 2.5 metre long earth rod is now accepting signals from me
through the permadamp Murray river bottom soil. At this point I'm
thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the
lawnmower runs out of petrol.




'Damn!' I think, as I remember I'd just filled the tank!


Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, and with spew on my chest, I think 'Oh God please
die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam
idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor
waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.




So here I am in the middle of January, 42c degrees, 80% humidity, standing
in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that
day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery
my own stupidity had created.




I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire. I woke up laying on
the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of petrol. It
was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead
grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead
spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on
to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing
had somehow let go of the wire.




Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:


1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.


2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).


3 - Poop, pee, and spew when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.


4 - My left eye will not open.


5 - My right eye will not close.


6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was
better than new after that.



7 - My nungas are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.


8 - I can turn on the TV in the lounge room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this!!!).



That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.



The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can
clearly visualise what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives
me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple
check before I mow.



Last edited by Two Wheels Better on Wed Sep 05, 2012 12:04 pm; edited 1 time in total


__________________________________________________
1987 K100RS, '93 K11/K12 hybrid 'Big Block', '09 K1300GT, '07 K1200R, '04 R1150RT, '95 R100 Mystic, '77 R75/7.
Have we accomplished half of what we dreamt we would? There may still be time.
    

2Back to top Go down    Re: Burglar-proof your home on Wed Sep 05, 2012 12:00 pm

Inge K.

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It reminds me that it`s time to cut the grass, but but but I think I`ll wait untill tomorrow........................................or another day


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Inge K.
K100RS -86. (first owner), K1100LTSE -94.
    

3Back to top Go down    Re: Burglar-proof your home on Wed Sep 05, 2012 6:19 pm

88

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That description had me laughing, crying, wincing, clenching my buttocks, sucking air through my teeth, crossing my eyes and snorting all at once!

Reminds me of my neighbour, a farmer also (ingenious fellow) who connected his old steel tractor diesel tank to the fencer because we were having a problem locally with Oil being stolen. He told told me he heard a "commotion" one night but "didn't bother going out". Next day he noted some "funny black marks" on the tank.....We had no more oil stolen in the area since Twisted Evil

88


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88....May contain nuts!

"The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page." - St. Augustine from 1600 years ago & still true!

Bike: K100LT 1988. 0172363. AKA the Bullion Brick! Mods: k1100 screen and stands.
K1: 1990. 6374189. Custom Stealth Black paint.
    

4Back to top Go down    Re: Burglar-proof your home on Fri Sep 07, 2012 6:50 am

BIG D

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Cool

Christ BWT

I nearly peed myself laughing, Very Happy



BIG D

    

5Back to top Go down    Re: Burglar-proof your home on Fri Sep 07, 2012 8:13 am

blaKey

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"I can turn on the TV in the lounge room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this!!!)"

THAT is funny!


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Neil
K100RS 1986 RED!

Dress for the ride and the potential slide.
    

6Back to top Go down    Re: Burglar-proof your home on Fri Sep 07, 2012 8:43 am

RicK G

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Yeah that is funny I have to think of a camel with runners on.


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"Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats." from Mencken's 1919 Prejudices

Bikes 1993 K1100 LT, 1998 K1100 LT, 1993 K75 RT, 1996 K75RT, 1986 K75 GS, 1979 Z1300 Kawasaki X 2 for now
    

7Back to top Go down    Re: Burglar-proof your home on Fri Sep 28, 2012 1:25 pm

charlie99

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missed this before .....was stuck in the land of sheep

classic tale dazza ....thanks for the belly laugh


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cheezy grin whilst riding, kinda bloke ....oh the joy !!!! ...... ( brick aviator )

'86 K100 RT..#0090401 ..."Gerty" ( Gertrude Von Clickandshift ) --------O%O
    

8Back to top Go down    Re: Burglar-proof your home on Fri Sep 28, 2012 8:48 pm

jandalboy

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That's a beaut!Thanks for the warning. Very Happy

    

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